It’s been a year since I first wrote something. It’s scary. What I wrote, what I thought, and what I think. I hope no one I know ever reads this. It’s those things that people know others have in their head- but that doesn’t mean that people need to hear, see, or feel them. These things happen to people but not your people.
That first post I think I knew I would be here. I always knew that I had that kind of control in me.
What happens when you don’t need that power any more? Change the end goal.
I can’t push it down anymore. The farther down you go the harder the climb back up.
I got my goal weight. I don’t look perfect. I don’t feel perfect. Eating isn’t fun and amazing because I can.
I get higher off of not eating then I do having a lower weight. It’s genetics, biology, and that special combination that sets people up for this. For the longest time I felt like I was this over emotional silly thing. Like a kid playing a game or a teenager throwing a fit. I was fighting against myself, my friends, my parents. Food was a way to throw a fit to show them how I was greater better then they thought I could be. I was stressed and angry. I was working really hard and thought that my softer outside masked that to everyone.
While I may have felt those things I realize now that it wasn’t this over emotional state that fueled every day. It takes a special kind of person to get high off of a lack of food. Even now working in the opposite direction I have more power and clarity some times with less food.
It’s a new adventure now. Learning what’s really going on. Fighting the fat that maybe I need. So now what? I eat but never enough according to everything else. But will I ever turns out once the switch is on some people can never turn it off.
Things are going to change even more now. God knows what a year from today will look like.